The Moose From Scappoose Is Back

Mangini Firewatch! Week 4!

Your weekly Eric Mangini round-up!

ERIC MANGINI WTF FACE OF THE WEEK (E.M.W.T.F.F.O.T.W.)

"Randy, I don't give a shit anymore."

MEDIA (MAN)GENIUSES:

TOP-10 INITIAL REACTIONS TO THE ERIC MANGINI HIRING

Some prognosticators were cautious or even mildly pessimistic when Eric Mangini was announced as Cleveland Browns head coach. But many others were not. These men fall into the latter category:

 

10. "You wanted Bill Cowher. You wanted Mike Shanahan. Some of you even wanted to dust off Marty Schottenheimer and prop him up on the sideline to recapture some of that 1980s Browns magic.

Instead, you got Eric Mangini, the best available coach right now. Say what you want, but Mangini is the obvious choice for owner Randy Lerner. " -- Todd Porter, January 8, 2009.

9. "It's a good hire ... He's young, he's bright, he's hard-working and he's been exposed to some pretty good coaching in a short period of time." --Doug Dieken, January 8, 2009.

8." Mangini is known as a disciplinarian. He puts his team through hard practices. It is safe to say Braylon Edwards won't be taking his shoes off to run sprints, and there won't be as much standing around in practice as there was under Crennel. Maybe the Browns will even learn how to tackle." -- Jeff Schudel, January 8, 2009.

7. "Browns owner Randy Lerner has made a solid coaching bet with Mangini." -- Terry Pluto, January 8, 2009.

6. "When the Browns announce Eric Mangini as their new coach at a news conference this morning, they've made the right choice." -- Terry Pluto, January 8, 2009.

5. "As far as Eric being coach of the Browns, he's is a hard working, intelligent, dedicated and creative guy who ensures the best chance of getting them back to being a championship football team." -- Mark Shapiro, January 8, 2009.

4. "He should be smart enough to learn from some of his mistakes in New York, especially early in his tenure when he was especially hard on some players and sometimes did a poor imitation of a grumpy Bill Belichick." -- Terry Pluto, January 7, 2009. (are you sensing a trend?)

3. "He's the best coach available because he has two winning records in three seasons and, at the age of 37, he is in the prime of his coaching career." -- Terry Pluto, January 7th, 2009.

2. "There are some who are wary of the Mangini hire because it appears to be a Belichick-plucking redux of the Romeo Crennel-Phil Savage era.

I do not agree. I believe Mangini is a perfect choice. He has qualities that uniquely suit him to this job at this time, including an inexhaustible work ethic, a bent toward discipline and a deep-rooted fondness for the franchise. He comes into the job with experience. Most important, he brings a brilliant mind, one that will mesh well with owner Randy Lerner (check out his academic resume) and prospective general manager George Kokinis (another scholar-athlete). Success in pro sports is now reliant on keen intellect, a lesson the Browns are embracing." -- Michael Arace, January 9, 2009.

1. "If I had to pick a coach for the Browns, it would be Eric Mangini. " -- Terry Pluto, January 7th, 2009.

FIREWATCH '09!

Posnanski breaks down Mangini's ineptitude and Florio cites unnamed "league insiders" (does he have any other kind?) in the same week? Let's check out the Firewatch:

Remember, this is a marathon, not a sprint.

INT. ERIC MANGINI'S OFFICE -- DAY

Mangini paces his office/bedroom.

Mangini: These morons lived through four years of Butch Davis, then another FOUR FUCKING YEARS of Romeo Crennel, and now they want to fire me after only three games? We're not even to the bye week and I'M THE WORST NFL HEAD COACH HIRE IN 25 YEARS? ARE YOU SHITTING ME, JOE PO-WHATEVERYOURNAMEIS? I'M A MANGENIUS!

Mangini collapses in a fit of anger on his IKEA futon-bed. He exhales deeply, trying to control his breathing.

Mangini: Get it together, Eric. They'll see how smart you are. But you can't expect yourself to turn things around overnight.

The door flies open:

Randy Lerner: (carrying a scone) Pip-pip! Cheerio!

Mangini: (under his breath) Oh, fuck me. (putting on a smile) Good morning, Mr. Lerner!

Randy Lerner: Just popped over on the tram to check on my favorite American football coach, and goodness am I knackered!

Mangini: Sir, I'm not going to beat around the bush. I promise you that by the end of this year you will see an improvement in this team.

Randy Lerner: Jolly good! How's the season shaping up so far?

Mangini: Well, I'm sure you know our record--

Randy Lerner: Can't say that I do.

Mangini: Huh?

Randy Lerner: I find wins and losses to be rather gauche. What I fancy is a team of clean-cut, disciplined, intelligent sportsmen!

The door flies open:

Quinn: I want my starting job back, and I'm not taking no for an answer!

Randy Lerner: Who's this strapping young lad?

Quinn: Sir, my name is Brady Quinn, and I am a lifelong fan and starting quarterback of the Cleveland Browns--

Mangini: We'll discuss this later.

Quinn: We'll discuss it now.

Mangini: (with simmering rage) Shut the fuck up and get out of my office.

Randy Lerner: I say, old chap, that's no way to talk to an employee!

The door flies open:

D.A.: Excuse me, Brady? There's a clipboard out on the practice field that isn't being held ...

Quinn: Fuck off, horse balls.

D.A.: I can't believe you thought you would just take the starting position from me so easily! How naive you are!

Mangini: Please don't interrupt me when I'm talking with the team owner in my office!

D.A.: (to Lerner) You're the owner?

Randy Lerner: Quite, quite!

D.A.: Your scarf makes you look like Harry Potter.

Randy Lerner: Goodness, me! This is a spirited group!

The door flies open:

Bernie: (slurring his words) I thought I heard good ol' Randy's voice!

Randy Lerner: Hello, Bernie.

Mangini: (under his breath) Oh shit.

Bernie Kosar: Mister Bigshot Owner comes back over seas to visit the peons in Cleveland. Well, guess what? I run a lil' team of my own. Maybe you've heard of them. They go by the name of the Cleveland Gladiators!

Randy Lerner: Sorry, I haven't, old friend.

Bernie Kosar: I'm no more your friend than you are an NFL-owner, you soccer-loving douchebag.

Quinn: You tell 'em, Bernie!

Bernie Kosar: (to Quinn) Shut up, turd-arm. (to Randy Lerner) I challenge you to a fist-fight. Winner gets ownership of the Browns.

Mangini: Everyone out of my office!

Randy Lerner: I'd rather not resort to fisticuffs ...

Bernie Kosar makes drunken chicken noises.

Randy Lerner: (rolling up his sleeves) Right!

Mangini: Sir, you don't have to do this!

Randy Lerner: Shut up, you wanker!

They square off to fight. Bernie Kosar takes a step forward. His knees give out and he collapses to the ground, writhing in pain.

Bernie Kosar: OH GODDDDDDDDDDDDDDDD! REMATCH!

Randy Lerner: Americans are such unusual creatures.

Bernie Kosar: YOU'RE FROM BROOKLYN!

Cleveland Browns Punch-Out!

Coye Francies attempted to double his season number of tackles (from one to two) this afternoon when he threw a punch at safety Abe Elam following a prank on the rookie cornerback.

I am desperately waiting for a post or tweet from Abe Elam.

For the record, Francies later claimed the skirmish was all in good fun.

Regardless, you know what this means, Mangini: IT'S FINE TIME!

Sheldon Ocker Knows The Secret Way That Managers Are Made

I couldn't let this one get past me. From today's Akron Beacon Journal, Sheldon Ocker writes:

Managers are made, not born, but who makes them?

I know! God makes them! No. Wait. This is a trick question! Managers aren't made, they evolved from lizard-people!

In just 10 days, Eric Wedge will complete his seventh season as manager of the Indians.

Oh boy, I can't wait to find out how managers are made!

Even though he has a contract for 2010, Wedge might not be back. More than likely, we will learn Wedge's fate one or two days after the schedule has been played out on Oct. 4.

Hmm. I guess ol' Sheldon's taking the scenic route. He's going to bounce around for a while, but I'm sure that by the end, he'll address the creation of managers, right?

/skips to end of article

/blows brains out

Regardless of whether Wedge returns next year, he will have made an impact in Cleveland.

You know what else has made an impact in Cleveland? The collapse of the steel industry.

Only four managers have guided the Tribe longer than Wedge, who is fifth in wins (557) and is one of only four Cleveland skippers to win a postseason series.

Wow, that's a lot of wins! I wonder which manager had the most losses in Cleveland Indians history? Let me see ...

Some schmuck named Lou Boudreau, who coached the Tribe from 1941 to 1950. Man, that guy must have sucked!

Two distinctive Wedge traits: He always is prepared,

(Except for games 5-7 of the 2007 ALCS)

and he is consistent in the way he treats his players, whether things are going well on the field or not.

What's that phrase about foolish consistencies ...?

Wedge's standards seem so ingrained in his personality, one would think he grew up with the goal of becoming a manager.

A really, really shitty one.

''I paid attention to being a catcher when I was a kid,'' Wedge said Wednesday. ''I did like Sparky Anderson, because I was a fan of the Big Red Machine. Those were pretty good teams in Cincinnati.''

"Not like the team we have here," Wedge added. "We don't even try out there."

Wedge grew up in Indiana and longed to be in the big leagues as a player. He made it with the Red Sox, but injuries prevented him from having a lengthy career.

Translation: Eric Wedge was a piss-poor baseball player.

But he stayed in the game, managing in the Indians' farm system for five years before being elevated to the job in Cleveland.

Wedge can't point to a particular mentor along the way.

 ... Because nobody ever wanted to mentor him.

"I don't think there was one person,'' he said. ''I've taken things from a lot of managers. I've done and learned things from seeing other people do them and from talking to people."

''I will say that [Atlanta manager] Bobby Cox is a guy I have the utmost respect for. But I only know him from conversations when we've played each other.''

"I respect him because he looks grizzled."

Seriously, Eric Wedge has been in baseball for 20+ years and this is the closest professional relationship he could draw upon. The dude must be radioactive.

Wedge firmly believes that when a team is winning, the manager should do less. And he always has maintained — like most skippers — that the most effective leadership comes not from the manager but from the players.

Really? Why would anyone want to become a manager if they believed that? Do managers just enjoy laziness?

''When a team is going good, that's when you have to try and stay out of the way,'' he said. ''And more times than not, you need to have guys in the clubhouse to take care of things. Like in '07, it was Trot Nixon or Casey Blake or C.C. [Sabathia]. Guys like that.''

Yes. Yes they do.
 

(Apologies to Fire Joe Morgan)

Top 10 SI Covers At The Expense Of Cleveland Teams

Sometimes I think Cleveland teams are a weird sports version of Stormtroopers, as if they might just exist to make the "good guys" look awesome.

Take last week's Sports Illustrated cover, for example:

A triumphant Purple Jesus DOMINATES who else but D'Qwell and the Browns.

After a cursory look through the (effing awesome) Sports Illustrated covers archive, I realized that Cleveland teams often make the illustrious magazine's front page, but not in the way they'd like to be featured. Here are my favorites:

1. Back when Brett Favre was young.
 

2. "Irresistible"? Are you sure that's the adjective you want to go with, Sports Illustrated?

3. ... Especially when they're playing the Browns!

4. Yep, this one still hurts ...

... Wow, that's worse ...

... Seriously? Again? That's basically a reprint of the first one...

... Fuck you, Rick Reilly.

5. This one's on here as a sarcasm pick. In 1987, SI's "Best Team In The American League" finished 7th ... in the American League East.

6. MJ really enjoyed crushing the Cavs' hopes (I love Brad Daugherty admiring his form).

7. Seriously, he really loved it.

8. This might be the best of the bunch: Art "Shitface" Modell punching a Browns fan.

9. Another sarcasm pick. If only we drafted Akili Smith ...

10. Tony Parker was the NBA Finals MVP. Never forget, Cleveland. Never. Forget.

Eric Mangini WTF Face Of The Week (E.M.W.T.F.F.O.T.W.)

"I realize my hat is askew and I do not give a flying fuck."